by J. Rosemary Moss
Genre: Fan Fiction (
Bonanza)
Rating: G
Summary: (Complete) This piece shows my geekdom. It explores what would happen if Adam, Hoss and Little Joe could hop on line and play
World of Warcraft. Don't worry if you've never played, you'll still be able to follow right along...
~
I can’t stand it. Adam is sitting next to that pretty mage, treating her to a moonlight serenade. It’s enough to turn my stomach.
I wouldn’t mind so much if this were real life—at least my older brother is a decent looking guy in real life. But his character on
World of Warcraft isn’t the handsome charmer you’re thinking of. In fact, I couldn’t believe my eyes the first time I got a look at him. Here’s how it happened:
Adam, Hoss and I decided to start out adventuring solo—just to give ourselves time to become familiar with the game. Then we’d meet up outside the inn in the village of Goldshire.
After a few hours of play we were ready to meet up. It took some doing to get to Goldshire, but I managed. I recognized Hoss right away. He had made a big, burly human warrior for his character. The kind that can stand there and take it when ten mobs attack him at once.
Mobs? Oh, sorry. That’s short for ‘monsters.’
I made my character a lean, muscular night elf. And a good looking devil he is, if I don’t say so myself. I chose to play a rogue—I wanted to be able to slip in and out of shadows so that I could get into mischief unnoticed. Besides, rogues are known for their fancy footwork when it comes to crossing swords.
Hoss wrapped me in a bear hug as soon as he saw me. We stood outside the inn, laughing and joking while we watched some of the other players dueling. You can always catch a good duel outside the Lion’s Pride.
But where was older brother? And what was he playing? Knowing Adam, he’d go straight for one of the more challenging and difficult character class—the warlock, perhaps. So I kept my eyes peeled for a human in magic robes.
That’s when I noticed this tiny gnome waving at me, trying to get my attention. Aw—he was so cute! Those little ‘leprechauns’ on the Ponderosa had nothing on this guy.
I smiled down at him. Hoss narrowed his eyes at the cute little thing and then leaned over to whisper in my ear. “Joe, that’s Adam!”
I turned and stared at Hoss. “No it’s not!”
“Yes it is.”
The gnome folded his arms across his chest and gave me a stern look—it was Adam all right! I stared at him for a second and then I burst out laughing. I even fell to the ground. I couldn’t help it—I mean Adam playing a cute little gnome? I laughed so hard that I almost coughed up a lung.
Adam’s eyes shot daggers at me. “Since you find my character so amusing,” he said, “perhaps you’d care to test yourself against me in a duel?”
“Come on, Adam,” I said as I regained my composure and climbed back to my feet. “You can’t be serious. I can’t take advantage of such an adorable little fellow!”
But he reissued the challenge. In fact, he made it formal this time. Well, I couldn’t disgrace myself by running away from a gnome, could I?
I should have remembered that despite their cuteness, gnomes are the smartest race in the game. It was just like Adam to choose intellect over looks.
We began the duel. I had intended to go easy on him—but that was before he blasted me with a bolt of magic. Before I could catch my breath he had summoned this imp-creature to distract me while he prepared another bolt.
In under a minute I had my ‘you-know-what’ handed to me! Now, in my defense, Adam used a host of arcane tricks that I’d never seen before. Those tactics won’t work again.
Of course everyone standing around the inn witnessed my defeat. They all treated me to mock applause when I came to. I glared at my brother and swore under my breath. Then I favored the onlookers with an an ironic bow. There’s nothing like embarrassing yourself in front of a host of other gamers.
I tried to put it behind me as Adam, Hoss and I stepped into the inn. We took a table by the fire and sat down to discuss our options. We meant to stick together from now on.
That’s when we saw her. A pretty human woman with no armor—she was probably a mage or a warlock. I winked at her. She smiled at me and walked up to us.
“`Afternoon, gents,” she said. “I’m Frost Briar. I was wondering if you three might help me on a quest.”
We all jumped to our feet and invited her to sit down. As soon as she was seated, we resumed our chairs and asked her to tell us what she needed.
As it turns out, she was a mage—a frost mage, in case you didn’t get that from her name. And her quest was simple: some higher-up mages in Stormwind ordered her to fetch a flask of water from the base of a nearby waterfall.
While Hoss blushed and kept up the conversation I leaned over to Adam. “Well, that sounds easy enough,” I said.
But he was narrowing his eyes at the girl. “I don’t know, Joe. She’s more experienced than we are. If she’s having trouble with this quest, it can’t be as simple as it sounds.”
“Oh, come on older brother,” I said. “We can’t refuse a fellow adventurer! Besides, we might need her help sometime.”
He sighed. “Well, that’s true,” he owned. “All right—we’ll take a look.”
I’ll spare you the graphic details. All you need to know is that half an hour later, the four of us met in the spirit realm. Our bodies were lying near the waterfall.
The nice thing about
World of Warcraft is that death isn’t permanent. You just have to journey back to your corpse and then you can spring back to life. But sometimes whatever killed you decides to stick around and patrol your remains…
Somehow we all managed to come back to life and flee before we could be killed again. Once we made it to the main road Hoss leaned against the rail in order to catch his breath.
“That didn’t work so well,” he managed.
Adam turned on Frost Briar. “Why didn’t you tell us that there were rival mages waiting to destroy anyone who gets near the waterfall?” he demanded.
“Because I didn’t think you’d help me if you knew!” she said in a feeble attempt to explain. “And, honestly, I thought the three of you could handle them while I got the water.”
“Well, maybe we could have, Ma’am, if we’d known about them in advance,” Hoss pointed out.
She blushed at that. “You’re right—I’m so sorry. Listen, I’ll make it up to you. I’m very good with a needle. I can make tunics for each of you and then enchant them with extra protections.”
“That might be good for Adam,” I said. “But Hoss and I wear armor—enchanted tunics will interfere with it.”
“Then you can sell them,” she returned. “They’re worth a pretty copper. Let’s go back to the inn and I’ll make one for each of you. Then I’ll find someone else to help me.”
Adam, Hoss and I exchanged glances. After significant looks passed between us, I turned back to the girl.
“We’ll take the tunics,” I told her, “but we’ll still help you out.”
“Yeah, I reckon we can do something about those mages,” Hoss put in.
“Yes we can,” Adam confirmed, rubbing his chin. “I have an idea. Here’s what we’re going to do…”
An hour later Hoss and I were back at the Lion’s Pride Inn. We had the fireplace-table again and Frost Briar had her flask of water. In fact, Adam was sitting outside with her, serenading her in the moonlight while she worked on our tunics.
I sighed. I couldn’t believe that a pretty human girl like Frost Briar had taken a shine to the gnome. Especially when she could have had a handsome devil of a night elf—namely me.
I sighed again as I took a sip from my ale. It’s an unfair world.
“Excuse me—is this seat taken?”
I looked up to find a female night elf questioning me—now she was something. She had hard, lithe muscles and she was wearing leather armor that fit a little too well.
I smiled up at her and forgot all about Frost Briar.
~The End~
I'm on vacation this week. I should be writing every spare second...so why am I finding so many other things to do? Not run-off-to-Aruba vacation stuff, but all those nagging little chores I tend to ignore most of the year. Or movies and television shows I've wanted to catch up on. Or all my reading.
