The Monstrosity, Part Nineteen

by J. Rosemary Moss

Genre: Fan Fiction (Bonanza)
Rating: R

LINK TO PART ONE

~

“I’m sorry,” Drew said.

He had found me standing by the window of my room, looking out. I’d heard him calling my name, but I hadn’t answered him. I hadn’t trusted myself to speak.

But he had felt his way inside my room regardless. I suppose he could hear me trying to control my breathing. At any event, he had moved toward me until his hand brushed against my shoulder. And now he was standing at my side, with his arm tentatively resting on the small of my back. It was as if he was waiting for permission to offer me comfort.

I didn’t push him away.

“Why are you apologizing?” I asked, forcing my voice to remain even.

“I pushed you to go to that soiree. But you weren’t—I didn’t realize how difficult things would be,” he managed. “I didn’t know that—”

“That I would behave like a raving lunatic?” I asked.

He managed a small smile. “Just so.”

I managed a slight grin in response—but it was wry and bitter. Then I shut my eyes, remembering how well things had gone at first.

My family had spotted me soon after we made our entrance. Hoss all but ran up to me and clapped me on the back. Joe and Pa joined us soon afterwards. We laughed and joked for a few minutes and caught up on Ponderosa business until I realized that Drew was standing off in a corner by himself. I had left him with his brother, but Jack was now waltzing with one of Mrs. Lewis’s daughters.

Pa followed my eyes and then sighed, shaking his head at Drew’s predicament. “It must be difficult to come to dances and such when you can’t take part in them.”

I raised my eyebrows at that. “Pa, I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t even think of that. I don’t suppose Drew can dance.”

“Well, maybe he can’t dance,” Hoss put in, “but he sure could put himself out a bit more. Sometimes I think that fellow don’t like people. I wonder why folks keep inviting him to parties.”

“That’s easy,” Joe said with a short laugh. “Because Jack wouldn’t come if Drew weren’t welcome…and any mother here would be thrilled if Jack married her daughter.”

Pa turned toward his youngest, giving him a look of surprise tinged with respect. “I think you’re right, Joe,” he said.

Joe rolled his eyes—it always annoyed him that none of us expected him to be insightful. Then he turned toward me. “Go find yourself a girl to dance with,” he ordered. “That’s what you came for, isn’t it?”

I hesitated. “I should keep Drew company—”

“Don’t worry about him,” Joe said. “I’ll go make sure he doesn’t end up a wallflower. You go talk to Mary-Beth Lewis—I know for a fact that her dancing card’s not full.”

I grinned at his determination to see me socializing; he suddenly seemed very much like Drew. “All right,” I said.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I blinked. That was Drew’s voice—and it called me back to the present.

I sighed and put an arm over his shoulder, drawing him a bit closer to me. “I suppose I owe you an explanation for my behavior,” I said.

“No you don’t,” he assured me. “But you can talk if you want to.”

“I—I didn’t mean to raise my voice at that girl,” I began. “And I didn’t actually push her. I wanted her to take her arms off of me; that was all.”

Drew risked another smile. “I suppose she tried to have her way with you out in the garden?”

I grinned back. “Pretty much. I should never have agreed to take her out for a breath of air. If I’d been in my right head, I would’ve known better.”

I paused, searching for words. “When she was tugging on me and trying to pull me into an embrace—if I’d been myself, I would have gently discouraged her and walked her back inside. Instead I—I raised my voice and told her just what I thought of her, ah, forward behavior…”

“You called her a slut,” Drew interrupted. “Joe and I were coming out back; we heard you.”

“I didn’t call her a slut—I said she was behaving like one,” I corrected. “But I—it doesn’t matter what I said. I didn’t shove her—I barely laid a hand on her. She fell backward on her own, trying to get away from me.”

I paused again and smiled wryly. “I think she saw a look on my face that damn near frightened her to death.”

“Well, she deserved it,” Drew said reasonably. “I don’t think Miss Mary-Beth is a slut, but she’s rather desperate for a husband—I imagine she was trying, in a clumsy fashion, to trap you.”

He paused and grinned at me again. “But, what choice does the poor girl have? If we won’t encourage women to use their brains and do useful work, what can they do but sink their hooks into any man they think might be able to support them?”

I rolled my eyes and cuffed him—he knew full well that I was in no mood for a lecture on the rights of women. He took the cuff with a laugh, but then his face became serious again.

“Are you all right?” he asked me.

I shrugged. “I shouldn’t have stormed out of there—and I shouldn’t have said the things I did. I can’t imagine more ungentlemanly like behavior.”

“Well, Jack and Joe are both doing what they can to smooth things over. That would have been easier, I suppose, if you hadn’t left in a rage—but they’ll figure something out.”

I raised my eyebrows at him. “Your brother and my brother are working together?”

He nodded. “I convinced Joe that we had to let you alone for a while, so instead of following you he went to work on your behalf—and I enlisted Jack to help him. I think that will answer: they’re both as charismatic as the devil himself, Adam, when they choose to be.”

He paused and furrowed his brow. “This will blow over, you know. No one knows precisely what happened—or precisely what was said—except you and Miss Mary-Beth. She won’t be carrying any tales, for she won’t want to risk you exposing her behavior.”

I nodded. He was most likely right. “What about my Pa?” I asked. “Is he still there?”

“Oh, he’s doing his part—as is Hoss. They’re not without their charm; though they can’t hold a candle to Jack or Joe.”

“Few people can,” I muttered. “God, my family must think that I’ve lost my mind.”

“They don’t think any such thing—but they are concerned for you. I—I invited them to spend the night here. Was that the right thing to do?”

I turned my head toward him for a moment. I knew that the thought of three more Cartwrights descending upon his home did not fill his heart with joy—nonetheless, for my sake, he had issued the invitation.

“It was the right thing,” I said gratefully, pulling him closer still. “I’ll be glad for their company.”

We stood there, side by side, in silence for a long moment. But at length I sighed again.

“God damn it, Drew,” I said. “When that girl tried to push herself up against me, I—all I could think about was Kane. I had to get away. That bastard is going to destroy me, just as he promised. Either I’ll turn into him, or he’ll render me unfit for anything but an insane asylum.”

To my surprise, Drew just cocked his head at me. He was curious; not repulsed. “Why do you think you’ll turn into him?”

“Because there’s an anger inside of me that I don’t understand,” I said slowly. “Mary-Beth caught a glimpse of it tonight. I didn’t hurt her, Drew, or even push her away. But I knew that I could have hurt her—and that’s the first thought that has aroused me since what Kane did.”

Drew was silent for a long moment, but again he seemed thoughtful, not repulsed. He didn’t even try to pull away from me—his arm was still resting against my back. I felt myself sigh in relief. Drew didn’t think I was a monster. I might have my doubts about that, but he didn’t.

“Say something,” I ordered.

“Don’t judge yourself by what happened tonight,” he advised. “Kane—well, I’m not saying you’ll ever forget him, but he won’t always color every aspect of your life.”

“It’s been months,” I pointed out.

He rolled his eyes. “I was thinking more in terms of years.”

I gave a short, angry laugh. “I’ll hurt someone by then—I have to figure out a way to exorcise him.”

“You’re not going to hurt anyone,” Drew said in an exasperated tone. “God help me, Adam, you didn’t even want to kill Kane when you had the chance. And you wouldn’t have hurt that idiot girl, even if you’d had her alone. You know that, don’t you?”

I tightened my grip on his shoulder. “I don’t know what I know.”

“Well, I know it,” he insisted.

His certainty forced a smile from me. “Well, then, I suppose I’ll take your word for it,” I said.

“Good,” he returned, disengaging himself from me. “Your family will be here any moment—let’s make certain that everything’s in order.”

LINK TO PART TWENTY