The New Hand, Part Sixty-Six

by J. Rosemary Moss

Genre: Slash Fan-Fiction (Bonanza)
Rating: PG-13

LINK TO PART ONE

~

Adam was awake long after David had drifted off to sleep in his favorite position—curled up next to him, using Adam’s shoulder for a pillow. Adam kissed the top of his head as he pulled David even closer to him, pausing only to stroke his hair.

This was getting to be a pleasant routine. Adam didn’t mind falling asleep with David in his arms and waking up the same way. But such opportunities would be few and far between once they returned to the Ponderosa.

Adam sighed. He would have to make a push to handle all the Ponderosa business in San Francisco. Joe would understand—he’d back him up. And with David’s head for figures Pa wouldn’t wonder why Adam wanted him at his side.

But Adam would have to tell Hoss the truth. Somehow he couldn’t let Joe know everything and keep Hoss in the dark. How would he react? He’d be shocked and disbelieving at first. But Adam still thought the information wouldn’t be as hard on him as it had been on Joe. Hoss was somewhat better at accepting folks the way they were.

But Adam still couldn’t tell his father. He didn’t like the thought of keeping his father in the dark—but there was no help for it. Pa was a good man, but he was strict in his notion of right and wrong and he wouldn’t stand by idly while Adam committed what he would consider a grave sin.

No, if Pa found out, it would drive a permanent wedge between the two men. Pa would never accept the relationship and he would never be able to look at Adam the same way again—in fact, he might even grow ashamed of Adam.

Once again, Adam reminded himself that he was a grown man who had a right to his own life. He didn’t have to share every aspect of his life with his Pa. In the end, his relationship with David was none of his Pa’s business.

But how long would the relationship last? That was another question entirely.

Adam had told Joe the story of David and Jonathan to demonstrate how deeply two men could care for one another—even love one another. As the story illustrated, their souls could be knit together. Whatever Adam and David had, it was no casual affair.

And David had made his declaration. Adam hadn’t been able to return it—but somehow he couldn’t envision a life without David.

Nor could he imagine a mere friendship with David—not anymore. He wouldn’t be able to stand being around David without the right to tousle his hair or to chide him for mumbling in his sleep or to playfully threaten him with a ‘talking-to.’

No, if they parted now, the break would have to be complete. He wouldn’t be able to maintain a mere friendship with David any more than he could have maintained a mere friendship with Regina.

That fact shocked Adam. His brain seemed to freeze up for a moment.

He must love David to some extent. Not as he had loved Regina—he would never love anyone, male or female, the way he had loved her. But this was a form of love nonetheless.

Adam sighed. He still wasn’t ready to make a declaration or even a permanent commitment. Yet he should be making a commitment to David—he knew that. He had no right to lead David on while he tried to make up his mind.

But a commitment to David would mean giving up the idea of children once and for all. Oh, he would be an uncle eventually. Hoss and Joe would likely have families of their own. And Adam would no doubt be an unofficial uncle to David and Abby’s children. But that wasn’t quite the same.

Was that the only thing preventing Adam from committing himself to David? Adam wasn’t one to hide from his own fears—and, when it came right down to it, he was afraid of trusting David too far.

He felt a brief stab of anger—not at David, but at Kane. That surprised him, for he rarely allowed Kane to come to the surface of his thoughts. But there was no point in denying that Kane might have destroyed Adam’s ability to trust anyone whole-heartedly. And he had made it especially difficult for Adam to trust another man—or at least a man outside his immediate family.

Would David demand that level of trust from Adam? Or would he understand Adam enough to be content with half his heart?

Adam sighed again. There was no way to answer that—they would have to continue to take things one day at a time.

LINK TO PART SIXTY-SEVEN