The Monstrosity, Part Sixteen

by J. Rosemary Moss

Genre: Fan Fiction (Bonanza)
Rating: R

LINK TO PART ONE

~

I heard more whispers from at least two tables as Drew and I left the International House. It seemed that plenty of people were willing to bandy the name 'Kane' about. And they were still trying to figure out if they were staring at a murderer or a man gone mad—or both. I stiffened up, but Drew squeezed my arm, willing me to pay no mind to the gossip. Somehow I managed to comply.

I did my best not to think about the gossip when we returned to the Monstrosity. I had to focus on helping Drew. To that end, I began teaching him the quickest exits from his room, in case of a fire or other emergency.

He bore the lessons fairly well—he only lost his temper once. But this time I grabbed his cane before he could start thrashing it wildly. I didn’t intend to end up with bruises from the damn thing.

“Give it back to me!” he barked as he leaned up against the wall. “There’s nothing in this hallway for me to break.”

“Nothing but my ribs,” I retorted. “I’ll give it back when you calm down and promise to control your temper.”

He swore under his breath and lunged at me. I threw the cane down and caught him easily, spinning him around and pinning his arms behind his back.

“Had enough?” I asked.

“God damn you,” he spat. “Let me go!”

“Are you done with your tantrum?”

He swore at me again, so I kept hold of him. But at length he sighed and gave in. I felt the fight go out of him.

“I didn't mean to threaten you with the cane,” he said, his voice vaguely apologetic. “I just despise this place.”

I released him. He felt for the opposite wall and then turned around. I watched as he sank to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest. “And I hate feeling helpless,” he added, in case I didn't know how much his need for my presence hurt his pride.

I rolled my eyes as I took a seat next to him. “Needing help and being helpless are two different things,” I said softly.

He shrugged. “Perhaps.

I sighed. “Have you thought about moving into your own, smaller place?”

“No,” he said at once. “I don’t want to be that far from Jack. I don’t want him right on top of me, but I don’t like to be without him either. Besides, I’d never hurt him like that. I don’t want him to know what I think of this horror.”

I stared at him for a moment. There was something to be said, I suppose, for his attachment to his brother. “All right,” I said. “Then let’s make sure you know this horror inside and out. Can I trust you with the cane?”

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, I’ll behave myself,” he promised.

I grinned and tousled his hair. “Good lad,” I said, knowing just how much that would annoy him.

“Bastard,” he retorted. But he was smiling a little as he said it.

I reached for the cane and handed it to him, but he just set it aside. Apparently he had no intention of getting up yet. I didn’t push him to—I just put a brotherly arm around his shoulder. He accepted that without comment and we lapsed into a companionable silence.

“Did you know about the soiree this Saturday evening?” Drew asked me at length. “The one that Mrs. Lewis is hosting, I mean.”

“Yes, I heard,” I said. “She has three daughters to marry off—and they’ve all had their come-outs—so she made sure the Ponderosa received an invitation.”

He grinned. “I’m sure she considers any one of you a catch for her girls, including your father.”

“Probably,” I agreed. Mrs. Lewis had an eye for wealthy suitors. Little else seemed to matter to her. “You’re not going, are you? You won’t be safe either, you know.”

“The Lewis girls have never thrown their handkerchiefs at me,” Drew said. “I’m very good at discouraging chits who are foolish enough to consider a blind man.”

I cocked my head at him. “You don’t want to marry?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No. I prefer to keep my relationship with women on a purely professional level,” he said. “I don’t care for complications.”

“Jack will probably marry someday,” I pointed out.

“And you think I’ll be left in the cold?” he asked. “I’ll bear it. I don’t want a wife underfoot. Nor do I wish to risk passing on whatever made me blind. I wouldn’t want defective children.”

He spoke matter-of-factly, but I cringed at his words. “I don’t consider you defective,” I said softly.

To my surprise, he grinned. “Not even in a moral sense?”

That drew a chuckle from me. “Only on occasion,” I assured him.

He chuckled back, but then his face grew serious. “You ought to come to the soiree,” he said.

“Not a chance,” I said. “I’m not up to dealing with Mrs. Lewis.”

“Well, if you refuse, than I’ll stay home with you—I don’t particularly care for her parties. But if you want people to stop speculating about your sanity, you’re going to have to reenter society. Becoming a recluse is the worst thing you can do.”

I shut my eyes for a moment, considering his words.

“We wouldn’t have to stay long,” he persisted. “We could just put in an appearance. And your family will be there, won’t they? They’ll want to know how you’re getting on—they’ll want to know how you’ve kept from strangling me.”

I opened my eyes and smiled. “Shall I tell them that you’re surprisingly docile once you’ve been reprimanded?”

He smiled back. “Only if you’ve decided that you don’t enjoy life.” He paused and cocked his head in my direction. “Will you come?”

The words slipped out before I could think them over. “All right,” I agreed.

He flashed me that crooked grin of his—a triumphant grin this time. I rolled my eyes at it and tousled his hair again. “You’re getting good at manipulating me,” I said. “Have you been taking lessons from Joe?”

“No,” he said, still grinning. “I don’t want to be your younger brother, Adam.”

He reached out to touch my face as he spoke. I didn’t mind that, so I kept still. But then he shifted a little so that he could use both his hands to feel my cheeks and my jaw.

I should have realized then just what he felt for me. And I should have realized that every time I had reprimanded him, or tousled his hair or put my arm around his shoulders I had inadvertently encouraged him.

Or perhaps my actions weren’t so inadvertent. Perhaps I knew that I was letting Drew fall for me—not to be purposely cruel, but just because I needed to know that I was still worth falling for, even after Kane.

But none of that occurred to me at that moment. I didn't face up to the encouragement I had given him until much later. I just watched in shock as Drew closed his eyes and leaned in toward my mouth. I didn’t push him away—but I didn’t respond either. Drew realized that quickly enough and retreated.

“I’m sorry,” he said abruptly. “I don’t know what came over me. I—I’m not one to overplay my hand like that.”

I couldn’t think of anything to say. I was too busy staring at him. Meanwhile, he let out a nervous, disjointed laugh. Looking back, I don't think I'd ever seen him so vulnerable. Now I understood why Jack had been so quick to leap to conclusions: he knew Drew well enough to guess his feelings for me.

“I’ll understand if you want to pack your things," he said, forcing the words to come out slowly. "But I meant what I said earlier, you know. I shan’t moon over you.”

“I know,” I managed at last. “I’m not about to pack my things, Drew.”

“Are—are you sure?” he stammered. “I won’t hold it against you.”

“I’m sure,” I said, pulling him to me in what I hoped he knew was a brotherly embrace.

I held him for a long moment before I spoke up again. I had to think through my words. “I—Drew, I can’t feel that way for you. Right now, I can’t feel that way for anyone. I can’t even—well, let’s just say that I haven’t wanted anyone since—since what happened between me and Kane.”

“You will,” he said, swallowing hard as he correctly interpreted the words I had left unspoken. Then he felt for my face again. “Maybe not for me, but for some woman, I suppose. Just—just give it time, Adam.”

“I’m sorry, Drew,” I whispered.

“Don’t be,” he managed as he let his hands drop. “I’m not going to pine over you—I told you that I’m not the passionate type. Just—just promise me one thing.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Don’t treat me with kid gloves. And don’t—don’t start pushing me away. I’ll settle for you as an older brother—as long as you don’t hold me at arms’ length.”

I smiled and pulled him even closer, letting him rest his head on my shoulder. “Does it feel like I mean to push you away or hold you at arms’ length?”

“No,” he owned, settling in against me. “But I’ll probably push you away from time to time—just to be contrary. And just to remind you that you’re not Jack.”

“I know,” I said, rolling my eyes. “But I’ll continue to treat you like a little brother regardless.”

“And I’ll continue to resent you for it,” he promised.

I laughed at that and rested my chin on top of his head. I did love Drew, even if I wasn’t in love with him. And I almost wished, for his sake, that I could return his feelings in full.

I don’t know how long we sat there. Time didn’t seem to matter. All I knew is that Drew and I had finally come to terms. And at that moment, I didn’t believe that anything would ever come between us or threaten our understanding.

And I didn't have the sense to pray that nothing would prove me wrong.

LINK TO PART SEVENTEEN